The Worst is Yet to Come!

I see a lot of movies – practically every one that comes out. Due to the nature of this publication (the New Lenox Patriot, for my Blog readers), I try to weed out the films that I think will NOT be around by the time the article is published. Every once in awhile, more than one movie makes that distinction and I am left to give a sour review to a film that, mercifully, will not be around when the paper sees print (anyone remember ‘Obsessed’?).

This week, I could easily review ‘The Debt’ – likely one of the most engaging and intelligent films of the year so far, a true 3 ½ star effort amid a sea of losers. A taunt thriller that tells the tale of three Nazi hunters; with stunning performances by Helen Mirren, Jessica Chastain, and Sam Worthington. I just may devote an entire additional review to this very worthy film.

However,I am hoping that my one short endorsement will encourage you to support this little seen (so far) film. BUT, just in case dear reader…just in case you may be tempted by millions of dollars in marketing; I have opted to list the current duds, that while look good in the trailer, only served to make me feel like I had just been pick-pocketed by the theater manager!

Note: The following films are no better than 1 star, which I give just for the effort.

‘Shark Night 3D’ – Really? At least ‘Piranha 3D’ had the good sense to know it was B movie clap and played on that. The filmmakers here really wanted you to believe they were putting on a show. Instead we are offered cheap scares and even worse 3D.

‘Apollo 18’ – Basically, the ‘Blair Witch Project’ in space. I remember getting motion sick at ‘Blair Witch’, here I was just plain sick.

‘Columbiana’ – A nonsense title, with an even thinner plot that has been recycled to death. MAYBE worth $1 at your local Redbox.

‘Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark’ – Oh yes, be afraid, be very afraid of this terrifyingly bad (alleged) horror film. Basically, evil tooth fairies try to steal children. Why? Because they made a deal with the Pope. Yes, the Pope. Rent ‘The Godfather Part III’ for better Pope deals!

‘Spy Kids: All The Time in the World in 4D’ – there isn’t enough time in the world to erase this from my memory. Does anyone remember when Robert Rodriquez made GOOD movies?

‘The Smurfs’ – do I really need to write anything more?

’30 Minutes or Less’ – It’s hard to believe that Jesse Eisenberg was in ‘The Social Network’ and is actually a pretty decent actor/comedian. Too bad for Aziz Ansari as well. I guess they needed the money.

‘Final Destination 5’ – Wait!?! There were four others?

‘Conan the Barbarian’ – Simply because Arnold didn’t drive this into the ground back in the day
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‘The Change-Up’ – Ok, now I am really feeling sorry for Ryan Reynolds, he hasn’t done anything good since ‘The Proposal’ and has been saddled with this wreck and ‘Green Lantern’ in the same movie season. He needs to get a new agent.

There are more (it’s been a tough year): ‘Transformers…’ (It doesn’t even deserve my full effort in writing out the entire title), ‘Bad Teacher’, and ‘Monte Carlo’ – some may still be in the theater, so I am giving you fair warning! Others may be out on DVD soon, so fair warning there as well! Keep to the $1 Redbox and try not to waste too much time!

Don’t get me wrong, bad movies can be fun; these, well they were just bad!

Yawn….zzzz…not obsessed about ‘Obsessed’

I love a good exploitation film – if it is done right and it has plenty of thrills to keep me interested. ‘Obsessed’ – at least from the trailers – seemed to have the promise of a good exploitation film. Good looking actors: Beyonce Knowles (Cadillac Records, a much, MUCH better film), Ali Larter (Heroes) and Idris Elba (The Wire and more recently The Office), a campy plot: office temp becomes obsessed with the up and coming young executive and finally, the big pay-off: the girl on girl cat fight! Unfortunately the director, Steve Shill (Dexter, notice a theme here – all TV people trying to cross to Hollywood) has no clue how to build suspense or even build believable characters. The only thing I was obsessed with during this film was my watch looking for the ending.

‘Obsessed’ has many issues – many of which are centered on Lisa (Ali Larter) a character that seems to be along the vein of ‘Fatal Attraction’ although not near as real. During her tenure on ‘Heroes’ I have enjoyed Larter and her characters; in ‘Obsessed’ – Lisa is a simple cardboard villain , one that we have seen a thousand times before on any Lifetime made for TV movie. There is no emotion to Lisa – no real reason for her obsession. I found her to be a joke throughout most of the movie and simply not menacing at all. It is hard to take a ‘thriller’ seriously if the main villain is viewed as a joke. If you want menacing rent ‘Fatal Attraction’, Glenn Close will keep you checking the soup pot for stewed rabbit for months.

Shill does not take the time to develop any of the characters in this film so as an audience we never get to the point of caring what happens. Every move Lisa (Larter) makes is predictable. Every move Derek (Elba) makes is predictable and every move Sharon (Knowles) makes is equally as predictable. Heck – even the babysitter is predictable!

But I have to admit, the target audience here is not the discerning adult, hence the PG-13 rating. It is the ‘tween’ audience that is looking for Knowles to beat up a skinny blonde girl – which Shill delivers in unapologetic fashion. Campy lines are fiercely thrown about in the final scene (and I am not spoiling anything here, trust me) as Lisa and Sharon battle royal, Lisa of course is in a t-shirt and BVDs. The action is absurd almost comical, the score is atrocious and the acting is amateurish. Even the ending was predicable; in fact I was waiting for an alien to come popping out from Lisa’s stomach to wreak more havoc upon Sharon. NOW that would have been a good movie!

Not obsessing about ‘Obsessed’! ½ Star.