Wednesday, September 07, 2011

The Worst is Yet to Come!

I see a lot of movies – practically every one that comes out. Due to the nature of this publication (the New Lenox Patriot, for my Blog readers), I try to weed out the films that I think will NOT be around by the time the article is published. Every once in awhile, more than one movie makes that distinction and I am left to give a sour review to a film that, mercifully, will not be around when the paper sees print (anyone remember ‘Obsessed’?).

This week, I could easily review ‘The Debt’ – likely one of the most engaging and intelligent films of the year so far, a true 3 ½ star effort amid a sea of losers. A taunt thriller that tells the tale of three Nazi hunters; with stunning performances by Helen Mirren, Jessica Chastain, and Sam Worthington. I just may devote an entire additional review to this very worthy film.

However,I am hoping that my one short endorsement will encourage you to support this little seen (so far) film. BUT, just in case dear reader…just in case you may be tempted by millions of dollars in marketing; I have opted to list the current duds, that while look good in the trailer, only served to make me feel like I had just been pick-pocketed by the theater manager!

Note: The following films are no better than 1 star, which I give just for the effort.

‘Shark Night 3D’ – Really? At least ‘Piranha 3D’ had the good sense to know it was B movie clap and played on that. The filmmakers here really wanted you to believe they were putting on a show. Instead we are offered cheap scares and even worse 3D.

‘Apollo 18’ – Basically, the ‘Blair Witch Project’ in space. I remember getting motion sick at ‘Blair Witch’, here I was just plain sick.

‘Columbiana’ – A nonsense title, with an even thinner plot that has been recycled to death. MAYBE worth $1 at your local Redbox.

‘Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark’ – Oh yes, be afraid, be very afraid of this terrifyingly bad (alleged) horror film. Basically, evil tooth fairies try to steal children. Why? Because they made a deal with the Pope. Yes, the Pope. Rent ‘The Godfather Part III’ for better Pope deals!

‘Spy Kids: All The Time in the World in 4D’ – there isn’t enough time in the world to erase this from my memory. Does anyone remember when Robert Rodriquez made GOOD movies?

‘The Smurfs’ – do I really need to write anything more?

’30 Minutes or Less’ – It’s hard to believe that Jesse Eisenberg was in ‘The Social Network’ and is actually a pretty decent actor/comedian. Too bad for Aziz Ansari as well. I guess they needed the money.

‘Final Destination 5’ – Wait!?! There were four others?

‘Conan the Barbarian’ – Simply because Arnold didn’t drive this into the ground back in the day
‘The Change-Up’ – Ok, now I am really feeling sorry for Ryan Reynolds, he hasn’t done anything good since ‘The Proposal’ and has been saddled with this wreck and ‘Green Lantern’ in the same movie season. He needs to get a new agent.

There are more (it’s been a tough year): ‘Transformers…’ (It doesn’t even deserve my full effort in writing out the entire title), ‘Bad Teacher’, and ‘Monte Carlo’ – some may still be in the theater, so I am giving you fair warning! Others may be out on DVD soon, so fair warning there as well! Keep to the $1 Redbox and try not to waste too much time!

Don’t get me wrong, bad movies can be fun; these, well they were just bad!

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